TheLoveDoves.com

[I believe sometimes people need the permission to be honest, even when it hurts. Permission to be real, even if it's awkward.] Jasmine Star

I just finished reading Jasmine’s magazine - Exposed – cover to cover. It’s an uncensored look at the ups and downs of her first two years in photography. A powerful 160 page confession. An inspiring presentation of style and art. And a welcome mat placed at the heart of anyone who has ever wanted to fully embrace their individuality. As a person. As a photographer.

I found myself raising my hand at the end of it. Shouting out in the most silent way possible, THAT’S ME. So I am going to borrow Jasmine’s boldness and do a little exposing of my own. Right here. Right now. Warning. I might look like [hot mess] met [ooh child]. But won’t you show a little Mr. Rogers kindness and stay with me, neighbor?

1) We sold our 70-200 2.8 lens on Sunday. Because bills are real. And so is the struggle to make a living at photography. It’s the last of our possible sales. Everything else is already gone. I am left with a 5D Mark II, a 50 1.2 lens, and a make-it-work memory of Tim Gunn. If you had seen inside of me on Sunday, I would have looked like a knotted up yarn ball of questions. How am I supposed to stay skilled at photographing with other lenses when I can only rent them for weddings? How am I supposed to show diversity in a portrait shoot with a single lens? How am I supposed to grow my business when it keeps being stripped down to the basics? This morning I still can’t answer those questions but I realize I need to stop asking them. What I can do has been overshadowed by acknowledging what I can’t. Truth is, photographers joke that they could photograph an entire wedding with those two pieces of equipment alone. Entire business brands are built around them. I own what others save up for. I am really only as limited as I allow myself to believe. So step aside defeat. Me and my trusty two are going to spark with creativity.

2) I hate ballrooms and the like. There, I said it. If I was never hired to photograph a wedding in a white square box again, I would feel like the world added sprinkles to my cupcake. Maybe that’s why I am so eager to photograph outside of Texas and its traditions. I long for freebird brides, lace gowns, handmade details, tiny treat tables, and ceremonies/receptions set outside in the sun. It’s easy to turn into a green-eyed monster when I stalk this modern romance, simply bloom, and clayton austin. But why would I wish on a dandelion for a Georgia peach when I can style staged shoots that will draw her to me? I started this year with such a project and it was the best experience of my professional career. 2012, I have an early new year’s resolution. I will devote empty time on my calendar to filling my portfolio with images that inspire me.

3) This website isn’t what I had hoped, or even planned, it would be. So if you don’t like it, I don’t blame you. I wanted cotton. The kind you see in a field. A wooden foundation with white whimsy bursting from it. Every day I look at it, along with the rest of my business, and wonder if it will ever be what I see in my dreams. TheLoveDoves should be a genuine extension of me. And my love. And our love for photography. I need to try again.

4) Are we just taking up space in this virtual world? I am haunted by this thought every time a post doesn’t make human contact. Not even with the photography subject. It does something to me when I don’t get feedback on this site from the very people that are emotionally attached to my work. I feel like my soul is rejected. Yeah, I just admitted that. Out loud. For all my past clients to read. So before I delete this in self-preservation, let me put a positive spin on this. Admiring art is one of the beauties of being alive. And extending a kind word, in that admiration, is one of the beauties of being human. Live and love.

5) I want to work for a magazine. Even more than I want to be featured in one. I fantasize about being contracted to photograph a catalog. That’s why my guilty pleasures are ANTM & Project Runway. Print work, models, and fashion hold the same appeal to me as barbie did when I was young. But I feel so very far away from any path that would ever lead me to that. Was that enough very’s, any’s, and ever’s to emphasize my point? I don’t even know where to begin!

And with that, my heart has gone quiet. I’m exposed. I asked for HEROhusband’s honest evaluation of my honesty. Before posting this. His response was freeing. [What's it going to do? Keep us from getting business?] We laughed because we both know that we don’t need to fear something we are already living. So, in theory, there is only good that can come out of this. Connection, maybe? Probably? Surely.